I Don't Want Sex!

Speaking to a group of business men (of whom I was a member), a wise man once said, "Ask your wife: if there was no sex in marriage, would she still want to get married? She would say, 'Of course!' Ask yourself that question, gentlemen. I'm not so sure I would say 'yes'."

At the time, I agreed with him. It was a valid and difficult question. After all, isn't sex half the point of marriage - or at least half the fun? He seemed to be suggesting an interesting truth about men and women. Women (or most women, or perhaps just some women, which in any case is a lot more than the 'little to no men' tally) are much more interested in the meat of the relationship than men: the talking, the cuddling, the commitment, and so on.

I won't really argue or belabor the point. However, this year has seen an interesting growth in me. I've now come to a conclusion: I would still get married without sex. I doubt if I am the only one who would, but this is my blog after all, so we'll just talk about me.

The fact is, sex is a diversion, or to use weaker language, icing on the cake. If a romantic relationship is a car, then the emotional and non-sensual-physical intimacies are the wheels and engine. Sex is the nitrous tanks in the trunk. Sure, it make for a fun ride. It even makes the ride more attractive when the nitrous turbo boost isn't running. But could you drive without it? Perfectly fine.

I've come to realize, through my relationship with my girlfriend but even beyond that, that what I truly desire goes beyond sex. I want companionship, commitment. To me, marriage (and by extension, any romantic relationship) is about being able to sit down with somebody and be yourself, to have someone to confide everything in - everything, and to have someone to share a bed with simply for the sake of closeness and intimacy. Sex does not really fit into that picture, or at least, the picture does not demand it.

I say all of that to say this: I love hugs. I love cuddling. A kiss, no matter how much tongue is involved, doesn't really even compare to the intimate closeness that cuddling brings. Now, I've kissed. Occasionally, tongue was even involved. But what I treasure most are the hugs, held hands, draped arms, and sitted laps (grammar be damned!)

To me, there are two kinds of romantic, physical contact: intimate and sensual. Sensual (sex and foreplay) is fun, exciting, and science even tells us that it develops stronger attachments (look it up). But intimate (cuddling or any kind of contact that doesn't lead to foreplay/sex) just goes much deeper. It's hard to describe how much I enjoy it. Maybe I should write a poem? Also, maybe I need to get hugged more. Which is an example of how gender roles goes both ways, ladies. As I explained to Danielle, girls can cuddle and hug all day long and nobody cares. But it's a miracle for a guy to even trade full frontals with his friends.

But I digress.

The point is, I would take a tight hug over a hot kiss any day (and luckily, my girlfriend feels similarly). I can't say whether my way is right or not. No doubt many guys (and girls!) would disagree. Still, I prefer the female way of viewing things, where sex is just a fun diversion that happens now and then. The media and society tells me that, as a man, it is natural for me to want sex all the time, without qualification. And it's everywhere. I can't go one day without sex being shoved down my throat, be it on TV, in a movie, or on the Internet. Well, frankly, as Jim said in American Pie, I'm sick of sex, and I haven't even done it yet!

I realize this has been a rambling blog. It made a lot more sense to me in the shower. I should really take a notepad in there with me. Well, I'm going to end this now while I still can. I thank you for suffering through this nonsense, and I apologize for wasting your intellectual time. The blog will return to its normal, sensical postings (as sensical as they ever are) tomorrow.